**Hooligans riot and loot. Okay. Sorry and well-duh. It’s not exactly what you’d call a “new” news story…**

MOMENTS BEFORE LAUNCHING THE PRO-AMERICANA humor/inspiration/trivia/satire website, John Loves America • Com (don’t bother to click anything, you’re already on it), roving bands of rock-throwing thrice-voting hobos (aka, ‘The Homeless,’ aka, ‘Outdoorsmen’) stormed our corporate offices in San Francisco, setting virtual fires and attempting to loot our posh online gift store and stumble out with merchandise under their stinky hobo armpits.

**California Governor, Gavin Newsom, whom staff calls behind his back, “The White Supreme.”**

“We endeavor to plan to intervene and investigate with the appointment of another highly paid do-nothing useless addled blue ribbon committee to further study the matter,” said California Governor, Gavin Newsom. “I can assure you, no stone will be left unturned to get to the bottom of this intervention onto unchecked capitalism by our poor, misunderstood possibly U.C. Berkeley screaming gender study students. However, we must look to the Greek philosopher Protagoras who noted that ‘truth’ is relative.”

Newsom went onto to note that if truth be relative, then so is math and, ergo, so is the California ballot measure limiting shoplifting to a below $950 misdemeanor.

“I mean,” said Newsome shrugging, “once something’s stolen, doesn’t that immediately limit the value of the ill-gotten merchandise, ergo, who’s to say how to ascertain how much a baseball cap is now worth after some homeless daft drug addict has licked it and gotten their cooties all over it?”

Store owner John Boston was not happy and commented immediately on the violent robbery.

“First, to all the normal Cal Berkely student body, faculty and staff, I offer a contrite, ‘Gooooo, Bears,” said Boston.

“But, frankly, I don’t particularly care for Governor Horse Mane & Tail Gel’s implication that we’re selling baseball caps for $950,” said Boston. “Nor, do I care for the governor’s tone. Or pursed lips. Or mincing. Or pandering. Or chronic ineptitude. Or his three gooey brain cells.”

Several John Loves America online employees who were not injured during the violent take-over wished they would have been present to defend the San Francisco virtual outlet during the riot.

“If I would have been there while all those flea-encrusted street poopers were trying to liberate our growing, thoughtful and make-great-gifts inventory,” said Irma Thrust, JLA sales associate, “I would have stuck the cold end of a white hot branding iron up where the moon don’t shine just for the pleasure of watching them burn their mitts trying to pull it out.”

Boston estimated the attempted theft and damages at $2.3 million, which, he hoped, “…is covered by insurance or Jeff Bezos, who wouldn’t blink at writing a check for what is, to him, sandwich tip money.”

Boston also added that any of Bezos’ Washington Post staff who recently quit over not endorsing Kamala Harris for president can call a special hotline for their 85% store discount and get a 120-minute recorded message, instructing them to push buttons while elevator music and donkeys braying plays softly in the background.

In the meantime, while the staff of the John Loves America online store — http://johnlovesamerica.com/ — is sweeping up virtual broken glass, “angry liberal doggie presents” from their expensive Italian tile virtual store floors and DO NOT REMOVE labels callously torn from JLA store virtual mattress inventory, Boston noted the store is open for business.

“The holidays — you know, like Christmas? Hannukah? Black History Month? — are quickly approaching,” said Boston. “Perfect time to visit our growing inventory and find that just-right, slightly twisted gift for a loved one or even a barely tolerated in-law, like my own personal cross to bear, Todd Caine.”

Newsome, fresh off an attempt to eliminate humor and satire from the Golden State, added, “We’d like to say San Francisco will not tolerate such brazen criminal activity, especially on a beloved small business. But, who are we kidding? This is California. We are, I am, The Dark Ages. We tax you until you bleed. Bring me more wine and wenches.”

Immediately, a poor choice in hair-and-make misshapen Newsome spokespronoun clarified the governor’s comments, noting that Newsome was misquoted.

“Governor Newsome is pro-woman, whatever that is,” said the curiously androgenous and highly-paid flak. “And, if you listen closely, the governor actually said, ‘…winches,’ not ‘wenches’ or, possibly, ‘Wences,’ like that terribly racist puppeteer from America’s Nazi generation, ‘Señor Wences.’”

San Francisco D.A. issued a police sketch of the suspected criminal ringleader of the riots (below), noting, “Yeah, right. Except for an eternity in Hades, like she’s going to ever serve a nanosecond behind bars…”

Our San Francisco Online Store Looted!!