Stare At A Dog. Go To Prison.
SAY IT WITH US — GGGGRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… / Watchdog Himler, courtesy of John Loves America Online Gift Store Security
I BLAME THE ’60’s. SOMEHOW, JOHN F. KENNEDY’S bold challenge to America of, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country” has morphed into some distorted Pablo Picasso version of self-indulgence and American sissydom.
Just the other day, I was popping off about what great people populated the police. OK. Take back.
Our tale begins with an officer and his dog. They’re from from Vermont, that forested New England Never-Neverland where they don’t even have a state legislature, just a crystal and harp music to guide all branches of government.
Jayna Hutchinson was arrested for allegedly being drunk. And, allegedly, aren’t we all? Ms. Hutchinson’s blood alcohol was .21, twice the limit in Vermont and “Just Getting Started” in Montana. Fine. Throw her in the pokey.
But, you know what the arresting officer Todd Protzman also wrote Ms. Hutchinson up for?
Staring at his police dog, Max.
How far we’ve fallen. It’s now against the law, at least in Vermont, to stare at a German shepherd.
The 31-year-old woman reportedly resisted arrest, then ambled up to the back window of the state police prowl vehicle. She then — “proceeded” — to bend over and eyeball cop canine “in a taunting and harassing manner” read Officer Protzman’s report.
“Proceeded” is the absolute favorite word of cops everywhere. It’s their version of “Southern,” as in, “…she was a-fixin’ to… (insert verb).”
UNIDENTIFIED JOHN LOVES AMERICA INTERN, giving the I Hate You And Your Dog Death Stare. / JLA Human Resources
Now. I fully realized that I wouldn’t make a good politically correct 21st century policeman because, to me, there are but two simple statements to utter in a situation like this.
I.) If you’re giving my dog The Death Stare, the first thing to do is to casually open the back door, smile, clear my throat and, mind you, it’s just a suggestion, say, “Kill...” Then,
B.) Reinforce your K-9 partner’s behavior by saying: “Good dog!”
The case was finally dropped, not by the arresting patrolman, but by Vermont. Why? After viewing a video tape, the state attorney Will Porter — without so much as a smirk — said: “Most of the time (in harassment cases) people would come tell the court what it felt like. Dogs can't do that.”
Sigh.
Throwing the book at someone for staring at your K-9 partner?
Officer Todd Protzman?
You are San Francisco Police Department material.
John Boston has penned more than 11,000 essays, columns and blogs, and more than 100,000 humor pieces, making him the most prolific humorist in world history.
