Let’s Hire Midgets for the Secret Service
THERE ARE TOPICS IN JOURNALISM ABOUT WHICH ONE is not allowed to address. Danica Patrick aside, one cannot pen an opinion piece on the essential genetic ineptitude of women drivers. Oh dear me heavens, gulp. I must release a heartfelt sigh. Cripes amen boy howdy is that Danica Patrick cute. I’d ask Danica to the prom in a blink, and, after that, going steady, followed by marriage and children. Anyway. Back to topic. Journalistic taboos. You simply can’t write about how Korean women are naturally bad drivers and doubly certainly North Korean women drivers?
JOHN F. KENNEDY WAS THE FIRST American president to use little people in his security detail. Above, Sean O'McDarby-Oh-Nertz Potato Famine, a strapping 2-foot-11 all of him bless his hide, was one of JFK's favorite Secret Service agents, but more so because he was an Irish Catholic and distantly related. / photo courtesy of our Mac Mini. Mac Mini. Get it?
Verboten.
Here. To spice up today’s think piece, let me add some sound effects. “EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeee screech KAAHH-booooom THUD OUCH GLASS SHATTERING smoking tires pedestrian screams and indiscernible angry swear words in North Korean followed by, in the distance, someone yelling, in English, ‘THIS AIN’T HAITI!!! YOU CAN’T DRIVE ON THE SIDEWALK, DAMN YOU, LADY!!!!!’”
This is a little off topic, but North Korean is different than South Korean. North Korean never uses the regional linguistic color of, “y’all…” or, “all y’all…”
Also forbidden? Any negative commentary about the endless socio-political alphabet preferred-pronoun soup of the powerful Love That Knows No Name/Don’t Hurt Me Baby lobby. And how the heck could David Bowie earn a Grammy for singing, “You’ve got your mother, in a whirl, cuz she’s not sure if you’re a boy or a girl” and I can’t point out how Royal Bottomlessly Dark Purple Do Not Spill On Your Skin Clairol can permanently stain one’s hairline and eat through to the brain?
Sigh. You know what’s atop the list of Thou Shalt Not Write Abouts? Little People.
Did you ever see the 1959 cult classic starring Sandra Dee in the starring role of “Gidget?” There’s a word that rhymes with that movie title. It escapes me right now. But, you can’t use it.
Dear Mr. Boston:
We know what you’re up to. All this la-la-la/tongue-in-cheek seemingly innocent pondering about seeking a word to describe Little People that rhymes with ‘widget’ or ‘digit’ or ‘fidget’ or ‘Brigitte’ as in the pouty French temptress from the Pleistocene Epoch, Brigette Bardot. Burning coals and unending shame upon your head, sir.
Sincerely,
Tom Cruise,
3-Foot-11
P.S. (in a high-pitched cute but squeaky voice) “Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It’s off to work we go! We sing and play, the whole darn day, Hi-ho! Hi-ho!!!”
TOM CRUISE — Actual size. / courtesy of Eva Rinaldi.
Thank you, Tom. Loved you in Mission Impossibles I-LXVIII, despite some wag pointing out they were — ahem, “…short films.”
Nearly half-way through today’s offering, I think there was a point to all this. Oh, yes. I remember now. It has to do with the Secret Service. Our 21st century’s version of The Keystone Kops? The slip-on-the-banana-peel law enforcement agency that, as of press time, is up to 2,217 assassination attempts on my beloved Donald Trump, the only presidential candidate to come with a hinged ear?
The Secret Service is being sued. It’s over their goofball DEI mandates and, this time, the suit originates from a women’s (but not North Korean) group that feels there should be zero limits on the number of ladies allowed in the Secret Service. A leaked internal memo sought to have 30% of the force be — dare I say? — chicks. Man. Woman. Hermaphrodite. Pervert in a furry vole suit. Why would anyone want to be a Secret Service agent? POSSIBLE FACT: you have an 83% chance of being eaten alive by Joe Biden’s psycho dog, Dire Wolf, or whatever they call that uber and mangy coyote, prowling the White House moors late at night.
When the moon is full.
This got me to thinking. I know. A rare thing. Why aren’t there any midg-… ERRRR — ‘height-challenged’ — individuals in America’s Secret Service? This is another sidebar, but why are they called, the “Secret Service?” I mean, they’re right there. In plain sight. Standing IN FRONT OF the president, stern, be-sunglassed, for all with TV camera or iPhone to record. Nothing secret about that.
Why aren’t there any dwar- ERRRR — Little People — guarding the president? I can see the problem in Joe Biden’s case. He’d trip over them. Band-Aid No. 27 for the presidential forehead. Heavens forbid, should there be an attack on The Useless at Nosebleed Levels of the Federal Idiocracy, a pyg- ERRRR — Little Person — agent could just jump up in the air to become, temporarily, 6-foot-4. Or, in stacks of two or three, or, five or six should former Laker center Kareem Abdul-Jabbar run for office, they could stand on each other’s shoulders.
SHORT-SIGHTED HIRING PRACTICES? — One reason the Secret Service should add midgets to the president's detail is that from their vantage point, they'd be able to quickly spot midget snipers emerging from underground tunnels, subway systems, putting green cups and gopher holes. / image courtesy of Secret Service new DEI recruitment poster.
I’d start watching the State of the Union address should that become a video reality.
You know me. I’m a fiscal conservative with an eye on cost. With the Secret Service hiring the Lilliputian, would it take perhaps a half-dozen to effectively pounce on the president and cover him, her or it (14 if we’re talking Michelle Obama) with their minimalist bodies? Also? Would we allow extra hours for presidential motorcades because, no offense, these demitasse agents just don’t cover ground in pouncing leopard fashion. Would there’d be an issue with them slipping through towards earth’s core from their bulletproof vests?
"FORE!!!! — Or, as the Little People say on the links, "ONE AND A HALF!!!!"
I suppose we could all be more accommodating. When the president is crossing a stage, waving, he or she could just — well. Slouch, Groucho-style, as they walk. Plus, you know what? We taxpayers might save money because elfins could patrol the Camp David grounds on ponies instead of regular-sized horses. Save boodles, too, on feed. Ditto with bomb-sniffing dogs. Pomeranians would replace those overly suspicious and full-sized German Shepherds.
Of course, I do worry if my pal, Donald Trump, gets elected in a few days. El Donald Muy loves to play 18 holes more than a little and, being guarded by Little Agents, President Trump might have to — dare I say?
Take up miniature golf?
• 30 •