The Unofficial, Unasked-for & Short Biography of John Boston

John Loves America multimedia website founder John Boston couldn’t make it to our Overtly Hostile Mainstream Mass Media Magazine QUARTERLY interview as he collapsed unconscious, face down on the corporate lunch-break room floor after eating a pull-dated “as-is” 35¢ microwavable mystery meat (possibly llama) burrito. His intern, Eva-Braun Tiffany-Marie “Missy” McGillicutty, a sultry, hubba-hubba and obvious non-DEI hire, stepped in to answer Overtly Hostile Mainstream Mass Media Magazine QUARTERLY's 17 questions about life, his bio and new Internet business venture...

1)         OVERTLY HOSTILE MAINSTREAM MASS MEDIA MAGAZINE QUARTERLY —— How much does John, a self-professed right-wing conspiracy theory hate-filled conservative, weigh, and, does that put him the Bigfoot/Old Testament Nephilim category? 

HER INTERNNESS, MS. EVA-BRAUN TIFFANY-MARIE “MISSY” McGILLICUTTY — Mr. Boston, at his last thrice-daily physical required by our insurance carriers, tipped the scales at a svelte 205 pounds, which would be slightly underweight should he be 7-feet tall. Alas, he’s but 6-1. And wheezes. On purpose. Oh. Politically? He describes himself as a “methodist,” lower-case “m,” in that he’s keen on solutions, fairness and common sense vs. unasked-for nutjob brain dead liberal press gotcha cliches. I'll leave the "you weenie" hanging in the air, silent but implied.

2)         OHMMMMQ — As honest fact checkers, we have to ask. What’s this nonsense about John Boston being the most prolific humorist/satirist in world history? Could you point to an intergalactic map to where, exactly, this world spins?

E-BT-M“M”McG — Why, right here on Earth! You ought to consider visiting, should your mental institution wardens with the thick thighs from the planet Phantasmagoria ever issue you a weekend pass. Mr. Boston has earned 119 major writing awards as an editor, journalist and columnist, including the prestigious Will Rogers Lifetime Achievement Award. He’s been named, several times, best humor and/or best serious columnist in North America, the U.S., California and Los Angeles. Mr. Boston started writing, professionally, for his hometown newspaper, The Mighty Newhall Signal, at the tender age of 14. He co-edited Cal State Northridge’s first satire magazine, Amalgamated Buffalo Chips, with his best friend, Phil Lanier. Since then, Mr. Boston has penned more than 11,000 columns, blogs and essays, sometimes writing more than seven per week. That’s not including other stories, features and editorials, which a rough estimate puts well over 100,000. That works out to more than five stories a day, every day, for 60 years.

3)         OHMMMMQ — Doesn’t Boston ever rest?

E-BT-M“M”McG — Like rust, he sleeps never.

4)         OHMMMMQ — He has a reputation of championing conservative causes …

E-BT-M“M”McG — (interrupting) ...you mean, like “thinking?”

5)         OHMMMMQ — Perhaps what you mean in respect to Mr. Boston is what is referred to by most sane Americans as, “…a brain fart.”

E-BT-M“M”McG — (Pretend-slaps her knee) Funny, life and its coincidences. ‘Brain Fart.’ Same name as your mom’s first husband — remember? The tennis shoe store looter? 

6)         OHMMMMQ — Growing up around our house, and, currently, in the nation’s newsrooms, we prefer the pronoun, “…liberator.” To the question: Why is Boston historically so mean to liberals, the Democratic Party, its leadership, Big Government, open borders, Climate Change activists, the Euro, the French, government-controlled speech, over-taxation, Islamic terrorists, Anabaptist terrorists, school boards, red tape, higher education, and, Death To Babies — abortion?

E-BT-M“M”McG — Oh. Mr. Boston is very much in favor of late-term abortion — in certain cases (Eva stares at the reporter, smiling cat-like and crossing her legs). Look. Mr. Boston has made it no secret that a little wickedness makes us interesting. A little. If you read his years of material, you don’t have to go far to find a zinger or meme material. But, he also adds both kindness, method and solution while making us laugh, but also asking what’s wrong with not only the world, but him.

7)         OHMMMMQ — We’re sure you’ll grace us with an example…

E-BT-M“M”McG — Hundreds, no. Thousands of them Take, for example, his new YouTube video offering, “How America Works.” It starts with the simple premise that many of the grand ideas of civilization were, and still are, simple, one-sentence suggestions and observations. How America Works ponders if our parents and grandparents — the wise ones — were right. Were the poets, artists, saints, holy men and women, leaders and philosophers — were they right? Is it possible to not just find, but — have — happiness, fulfillment, joy, abundance, peace, the answers to our questions and solutions to our woes?

8)         OHMMMMQ — (making a sour Bill Maher duck face) We’re sure that should go on a T-shirt somewhere…

E-BT-M“M”McG — Interesting you should mention. Johnlovesamerica.com will carry an eventually immense online store, filled with merchandise, carrying messages from the ridiculous to the sublime to the “Gotta Have It!”

9)         OHMMMMQ — How come no one’s ever heard of this guy?

E-BT-M“M”McG — Well. The Los Angeles Times did a huge, front-page feature on his work in their Sunday Lifestyle section. He co-emceed the California Newspaper Publishers Association with the governor, some guy called Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s had a best-selling novel, required reading at Harvard, called Naked Came the Sasquatch. Some fans claim it’s the best book ever written and I hope Mr. Boston isn’t eavesdropping but I’m guess that demographic doesn’t get out to the library much. But, mostly, he’s felt compelled to serve his beloved and spunky small-town newspaper, The Mighty Signal, in Santa Clarita, California. As of this interview, still writes — without sticking out his tongue or mumbling aloud — for them.

10)       OHMMMMQ — Speaking of spunky, you’re kind of feisty, Ms. McGillicutty…

E-BT-M“M”McG — (sitting up straight and blinking) My pronouns are “usn’s” and “we-be.” I leave 50 miles of burning asphalt behind wherever I go and am the vanguard of a new species, filled with a terrible resolve. Enough about me. Your next Mr. Boston question?

11)       OHMMMMQ — What does he do, when not annoying people?

E-BT-M“M”McG — He used to play basketball for the Adidas semi-pro team. Couple years in a row, they won the top California AAU tournament. Approaching middle age, he swims a few times a week, lifts weights. Rides horses. He likes to sit at the beach, smile out of context and watch sunsets. Hikes. He's a devoted father to his most lovable and talented artist daughter, Indiana, who is in her senior year at a high-priced snooty art college back East. Flirting with his own end to mortality, as you may have heard, he loves burritos with kitchen-sink side mixings of nuclear waste peppers and sauces, sometimes pineapples and cucumbers. Carouses with friends where they drink, laugh and talk about people behind their backs. Does a Friday Zoom call with old high school buddies which I can’t understand because they’ve known each other since like the Zachery Taylor administration and still have things to giggle about. He used to fence, but hasn’t in a while. He wears a $1,000 custom designer hat and was asked by a little boy in a store if he were a cowboy. He sighed and offered that lately, with all the writing, “Alas,” he’s more of a, “…deskboy…” He confesses the best thing he’s ever done, in his life filled with adventures, is being father to his daughter, now 21. They enjoy singing duets of off-color Western songs involving bartenders, cattle drives, pick-up trucks and coyotes.

12)       OHMMMMQ — Golf?

E-BT-M“M”McG — Was that a question or are you choking? Mr. Boston used to golf where he referred to the wide, green expanses as, “Republican Wetlands.”

13)       OHMMMMQ — All this Western get-up and cowboy boots — does he hunt?

E-BT-M“M”McG — Like Superman, only for Truth, Justice and the American Way. No. Mr. Boston confesses he has a grocery store nearby, chock full of rib eye steaks and over-priced Orange Gatorade, which, he likes to carp, has gone up like 6,012% during the ill-fated Biden/Harris/Communist China Administration.

14)       OHMMMMQ — We’ve read somewhere that the creator of John Loves America has an up-&-down life, holding many jobs between stints as a journalist. What are some of his stopovers?

E-BT-M“M”McG — He’s been a ranch hand, life guard, high school basketball coach, NBC news director when he was 21, radio talk show host, house painter, Uber driver, advertising agency veep, salesman and media consultant. Mr. Boston likes to point out that a consultant is someone who knows 106 ways to have sex, but doesn’t know any women. He’s an author. He’s started a few online companies, all quite good but ill-fated. He secretly wrote editorials for a major newspaper. He’s been, and is, a historian and teacher, and a communication and speech coach to a prominent American political family. He used to lead out, on horseback, one of the biggest Fourth of July parades in the country, but, he did that for free.

15)       OHMMMMQ — What does he feel is the biggest problem facing America?

E-BT-M“M”McG — Seriously? An inability to recognize the devil. Oh. And he loves the mythicist Joseph Campbell’s observation, “We get into trouble the instant we fail to see the ‘Thou’ in our brother’s eye.”

16)       OHMMMMQ — Seriously?

E-BT-M“M”McG — I believe that’s Question #16. You’ve one left.

17)       OHMMMMW — Does John Boston believe in God?

E-BT-M“M”McG — (thinking for a moment) I asked him that question once. He said it’s more important that God believes in him, that he checks in on a several-times-a-day basis for both confirmation and just the wonderful company, and that Mr. Boston hopes he behaves in a fashion that would bring that simple, confident assurance that God isn’t going to be there, he already, always is. A kind word of direction or advice, a holy nod, wink, smile or just the pleasure of companionship, wouldn’t hurt, either…