TO OUR CORE, WE REALLY HATE like heck to offer unasked-for advice. That said, DON’T contact THEM. Same with Those People. They’re not our kind. They may seem round and cute, cuddly and inviting. They may offer to buy you coffee at the corner mocha java hut where the hepcat daddy kids hang out. But, it’s a ruse. While we have no hard data, we’ve heard they can be untrustworthy. Back-stabbing. And dangerous. Little sneaky thieves with tiny hands and just four fingers. Like in the cartoons. Good heavens. Did you NOT notice?
The one above? He’s not wearing pants. But, if you must, while unlike Mainstream Media, John Loves America Dot Com doesn’t do the Spyware Thing on you, doesn’t probe your computer files for sensitive, personal information or to check to see if you’ve been watching AI naked Dolly Parton videos at 3 in the morning. No one’s going to check. If you really must contact Them, below is the pertinent information.
SNAIL MAIL
(write, in non-threatening penmanship, on outside of envelope that you are not affiliated with any form of government, religion or are seeking past child support)
22818 Stinky Trailer Court Drive
Sub-Section 8 Housing
Space 28C
Vista del Armpit, California 91322
ousted-ethiopian-prince-who-needs-just-$1,200-to-restore-him-to-his-rightful-throne@ethiopianprincemail.com
PHONE
They don’t have a phone. They have retro pretend phones. They’re not like you and me. If you feel you must contact Them, just two blocks west of Stinky Trailer Court Drive, there’s an old payphone behind the Seven-11. Wait there. Wait maybe a few days to gain their trust. As if trying to build trust with a Bigfoot, leave small presents out, like a red potato on a rock. They will call. If they ask you to buy Them cigarettes, don’t. It stunts their growth, plus, they’re like 50 bucks a pack in California. Not like the world wouldn’t be a better place for Them not being here.
TEXT
Please. Have you ever tried texting to a payphone? Go. Scoot. Get off this page now and click back to a regular, safe, informative, high-brow and thoroughly entertaining offerings in sections where decent people dwell...