HARVARD JUST SAYS ‘NO’ TO KAMALA
AUGUST UNIVERSITY REFUSES $12.5 VEEP SCHOLARSHIP
DEAR MS. KAMALA HARRIS — Thank you for your recent application for both acceptance and financial assistance to Harvard, a sanctuary university. Wow. You blew through like a ga-billion dollars in a snap! You’re bad, girl!
Cut to the chase? No. You may not come here. Not to visit. Not to word salad lecture. Not to use any of our hundreds of real and/or imagined gendered restrooms. Try Hillsdale College. They’re still all over that passe, “Blue’s for Boys/Pink’s for Girls!” latrine hate stigma.
Alas, unless you post bond and guarantee you can beat the syphilis-ridden Yalies the next four years in every sport (including beer-chugging and Indian leg wrestling) doling out your requested $12.5 billion scholarship is a little bat-synonym-for-poopies crazy for us right now.
We’d rather spread the money amongst equally less-deserving, polar bear-counting applicants such as yourself. From going over your achievements, from “first vice-president lady” to “gentleman’s companion,” we applaud you for putting the word, “can’t” in “applicant.” Know what else? These following items you requested?
• Unlimited free wine (“… in a very large box, with wheels”);
• Paid celebrities (to help you with your homework)
• All test questions pre-screened and “…translated to your native tongue of Word Salad;” and,
• Your request, “…to be Harvard’s only cheerleader but, due to a rare form of Tourette’s where instead of swearing, I giggle and would have to work from home...”
Well, Harris. Those are all big fat no’s, aren’t they?
We’re sorry to hear about another rare disease that doesn’t allow you to attend class or, in your words, “reveal myself to a worldwide conspiracy of haters.” Forgive us, in these highly charged emotional climes, for noting your demands are rather, as all the Ivy League kids like to say, “…enclenque.”
Weak.
Who knows. Some Big 10 campus that’s been living in a cave the past 500 years might accept you. If so? Might we suggest you take an emotional support animal to class? Perhaps, in your case, the old mascot for Hamm’s Beer, that happy-go-lucky cuddly bear? Or, if it’s Ohio State, roll from class to class, a baby wolverine in a stroller?
(RE: THE ABOVE — Too soon?)
BTW. Harvard no longer offers a Journalism Major. Personally, why would you need a diploma to pose under harsh lights, in heels, with more make-up than Bozo the Clown, grin out of context and announce, “…and now, the weather.” After 388 years, Harvard feels offering a 2-unit Journalism B.A. stretched over 4 years is stupid, even if the one prof stutters. Apply to NYU. Change your major to Gay Chimpanzee Novel Typing. Imagine the Harvard journalism final. One essay question asking: “… So, Disgraced Ex-President/Escaped Felon Mr. Biden, if you were an ice cream — besides, ‘Hot Prunes & Bran’ — what flavor would you be?” Like our DEI chair’s name, Dr. Stew Peedo.
Are George and Oprah not answering? Amped your VISA? Two units? And you’re asking for a $12.5 billion scholarship? Sure. We’ve made exceptions, like George W. Bush (who submitted his application with the “W” upside down). We’ve admitted nitwits, like Zuckerberg, Gates, Buckminster Fuller, O’Bama, Conan O’Brien (who isn’t a nitwit but plays one on TV) and that cute little Topo Gigio hand puppet from the ancient Ed Sullivan Show, along with the usual Whoops!-Married-My-Cousin-Again! trust-fund High Society east coast mouth-breathers.
Point being? We liked them. You? As your ex-staff now shivering in winter soup kitchen lines say — “…not so much.”
Can we suggest — a job in government? Oh, ouch! Sorry! Forgot! You sorta out-kicked your punt coverage on that one, didn’t you, doll? While we long ago stopped throwing scholarships from a tall wind turbine to any knucklehead who can operate a bullhorn and form a fist, this DEI thing is running out of steam. Kam. If only you were black.
Have you thought of doing voice overs?
You know? Laugh tracks for George Clooney movies or maybe join Special Forces where there’s ample opportunity to stab people in the back?
Not meant as an insult. Just what MSNBC sniffs about you at the D.C. mixers.
While your extra-curricular activities were virile, we haven’t accepted anyone since Bill Clinton who listed, “Good in bed” on their Harvard app form.
Do turn that frown upside down. Don’t go fretting. You’ll find something, like Aesop’s Grasshopper who fiddled and giggled until a particularly harsh winter arrived. Then, disheveled, starving, near death, possibly drunk, the merry locust showed up at the hard-working Christian Ant’s front door. The Ant, without judgment (although, holy moly, did he want to) gave his violin-playing cricket friend hot soup (in a real teeny-tiny bowl) and a place to rest next to The Ant’s itty-bitty Labrador retriever by the fireplace.
We know. We know. Useless White Guy English Lit metaphor that you can’t dance to. Right? But, in the odd chance anyone asks, The Ant’s Working America. The Grasshopper? He’s you, the welfare-sucking, Wah-Wah-Sob-Wah Someone Chew My Food For Me/Gimme Free Stuff While I Scream Hysterically At You Democratic Party.
Proud, we are, of our Harvard Heritage. We’ve churned out hypocrites, lunatics, inbred trust fund monkeys who drink from bird baths and lawyers while allowing the occasional kind genius, saint or rare, non-Obama gifted leader to slip past our fossilized department heads.
But, forget our mission of helping end sanity and civilization. We’re talking money. Harris. We’re going to just have to say ix-nay to your $12.5 billion scholarship request. That’s like 1,384 billion gallon boxes of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine, less, if you obtain the generic cheap knock-off diabetes swill from your pal Joe Biden’s sister city of China.
Compose yourself. Change into a fresh Hillary/Teletubbies pants suit.
May you look honestly in the mirror, Kamala Harris, find yourself, scream in horror, then, high-step it so you’re kneeing yourself in the chin as you sprint toward sanity.
Continued Wishes for Oozing Scabs on Yale,
Al Gore, Working in Admissions to Pay Off his 1969 Student Loan
